Hello darkness, my old friend

I'm a horrible, selfish human being.

And it is what it is.

My love is too far away facing down death, and I have retreated, as I do, when the darkness threatens. I can't do death. I can't look into that abyss, even tangentially from afar as I am now. Because when I am reminded of the abyss that awaits us all, of the end, I lose drive. I lose hope. I begin to wonder why, which then becomes why bother. And then I why bother myself into very bad decisions.

Right now, my urge is to run. Cut ties with all those I care for and all those that care for me. I keep this number low anyway. Is this because I want to keep my escape routes open? Possibly, probably. Mo is going through the most gut wrenching of losses right now, and I'm looking at trail maps. Wondering how long I could survive living in a Prius in winter and hiking long trails each summer. Planning routes and meals, mentally paring down the few objects I'm even remotely attached to.

In my head I am running away from the abyss that awaits me.

Because deep down inside I know there is no reason. No point. We are here simply because of an evolutionary fluke that gave us both form and consciousness, but not enough of either to make a dent in the slow burn of the universe. All that awaits each of us is death. All the meaning we think we amass in our lives will be nothing in the great time span of the universe. For even the universe will one day end, rendering even it's very blip from big bang to last eclipse forgotten.

Yes, I'm selfish. For when others die it isn't their death I mourn. It's my own. And from that rises my most primal instinct -- fight or flee. You can't fight the abyss, so I simply seek to flee it for a little while.

I'm sorry.